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Dear ka-MU,

Unang-una sa lahat, wala naman talaga sa plano ko ang pumasok sa Magulong Usapan at Malanding Ugnayan na `to. Kaya lang naman ako bumalik sa school na `to dahil gusto ko makasama muli ang mga kaibigan at dahil may pagkawalang kwenta ang school na nilipatan ko. Hindi ko naman talaga plano ang mainlove, lumandi o ano. Eh kaso gago ka eh. Ikaw `tong nagpapacute. Nainlove tuloy ako kahit HINDI NAMAN DAPAT. So naging MU tayo. Niligawan mo ko nang hindi ka nagpapaalam at nagpakita ng kung anu-anong lecheng kalandian para ipakita na gusto mo ko. Oo, kinikilig ako. Crush kasi kita eh. Kaso hindi pa ko handa para pumasok sa isang relasyon dahil hindi ko pa natututunan mahalin ang sarili ko. Alam mo yung TIME? Kelangan ko nun. At alam mo yung WAIT? kelangan mo nun kung talagang seryoso ka. Kung mababasa mo ang mga previous posts ko, (which is ayoko naman.) eh malalaman mo kung bakit ayoko sa sarili ko at maiisip mo na ang babaw ko. Oo, mababaw lang yung dahilan eh kaso ganito ako eh. Big deal sakin yun. Vain ako. At isa yun sa dahilan kung bakit hindi ko na masabi ang katagang, "i love myself". Kaya sana maintindihan mo kung bakit hindi ako makatingin ng diretso sayo kapag kinakausap mo ko.. kahit gusto ko. Pssh. Ewan ko ba kasi sayo kung bakit gusto mo pa din ako. Eh hindi na ko ganun kaganda gaya nung mga second year pa tayo. Bakit ba? Bakit pa ako? Bakit ako pa rin? Bakit si Lindsay pa?

Sa ngayon, may naririnig akong mga balita na may iba ka nang gusto. Siguro nga totoo. Isang Linggo ka na din kasing di nagpaparamdam sakin. asdfghjkl. Hindi mo ko naantay. Pero ayos lang. Sino ba ko para antayin mo? Ang dami-dami namang dyang iba na kulang na lang maghubad sa harapan mo para mapansin mo. Life goes on na lang siguro ang sakin. Ang gago `no? Kung sino pa yung pakipot, kung sino pa yung hindi nag-iiloveyoutoo sayo, kung sino pa yung nililigawan eh siya pa yung nasasaktan at nagpopost ng bitter na blog. Leche ka naman. Ang special mo. Nasa blog pa kita.

So bukas makikita na kita. Magkikita na tayo. Makikita na ng buong kaklase naten kung gaano ako magmumukhang tanga kapag nagmomomentum kayo nitong bago mong girl sa classroom naten. Mukha akong tanga. Ako `tong nag-iinarte dati tuwing nagkakaroon tayo ng moment tapos ngayon ako na yung mukhang naiwanan. Tsk. Bahala na. Sana makamove on na lang agad ako. Gago ka kasi eh. Nagpakita ka pa ng leche mong motibo. Umasa tuloy ako. O sya, dito na lang. Wala na tayo. I mean, wala naman talagang tayo eh. So bbye na.

From,
your exka-MU.

PS : F*ck you po.

Labels: bitter, Blah blah blah, CCC, confusion, crush, Drama, dramas, feelings, highschool life, insecurity, letting go, life, Love, music, random, school, Senior Life, Stupid, thoughts, WHATEVER

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Guess what? I`m absent in school today. It`s not because I woke up late or I`m not feeling well. I`m actually okay.. physically. :( I`m absent today cause I feel so freakin` depressed. I don`t even know what to feel anymore. It`s confusing. It`s because of him. I know this is stupid and such a shallow reason but because of this damn stupid love I feel for him, I feel insecure. I feel really down to the point that my self-esteem is down to zero. I feel like I need some space to think. I should get over this feelings for him. He likes me and I like him but it`s just that I`m not ready to love someone cause I`m still in the process of trying to love myself. I need time. But what I`m afraid of is that he can`t wait for me and he might fall for someone else. And I know that would really hurt me so much. always tell myself that if he really loves me, he can wait. But I`m still afraid. I know I shouldn`t expect too much from him cause I`ll be just disappointed in the end. But how can I do that? I always see him around cause he`s my classmate, he smiles at me, always wants us to go home together and other bullshit signs that he`s really into me. I can`t control my heart.. Ugh. :'(

I sometimes wonder what if I didn`t returned ti this school and stayed in KAMS? Would things will be easier? Would things will be less complicated? Would I feel this way? Would I be trapped in a situation like this? I GUESS NOT. But there`s no point of regretting. It`s happening now and I have to face it.

PS: I`m gonna go now to school tomorrow. I don`t know what will happen in the next day. I think I should avoid him now. Ugh. :| God, please help me..

Labels: Blah blah blah, CCC, confusion, depression, Drama, dramas, highschool life, insecurity, KAMS, life, Love, random, Senior Life, Stupid, thought, thoughts, WHATEVER

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